Monday, May 25, 2009

Sew Me Up

How do they do this? I was narcotically rendered unconscious, intubated, catherered ( is that word?), cut open in two places, sewn-up and have felt very little pain since. The miracle of science I suppose. I really thought recovery would be a lot worse. My low expectations serve me well yet again! While it hasn't been a picnic - for one there were no potato salads, I have only had mild discomfort and have not used any of the prescribed painkillers. Sleep hasn't been as merciful, but as long as I am not suffering, and don't have to go to work, I can take a little mild insomnia.

Immediately out of surgery, the first thing I asked was if they had found endometriosis. I was getting more and more concerned that I would go through this surgery and they wouldn't find anything. I was pinning all my hopes on this. Surgery= pregnant the next month. I needed this to resolve my infertility. So upon waking, and shaking off some of the surprise that it was over when I was sure it hadn't even started yet, I asked, "did he find it?" The nurse didn't know -she wasn't in the OR. So then I asked for my husband and some water (not necessarily in that order). Matt came (after the water) and told me that he had spoken with my Dr and that there wasn't very much endo. I wasn't as devastated as I thought I would be. I am still not. I didn't get a chance to speak with my Dr afterwards which is the only thing that bothered me about the entire experience. We have a follow-up on Friday. Options will be discussed, decisions will be made, and mysteries will remain and for better or for worse, so will hope.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Cut Me Open

Regret turned into action and I moved my surgery up. May 21 is the new day. While I was happy to be able to get a date in May, it concerns me that my Dr. actually had an opening -shouldn't he be booked-up for months?

In keeping with my never satisfied theme, I am also concerned that this surgery is going to mess with my vacation. I wanted to spend the week in a bikini on the beach. Not sure if that can happen with a belly scar and nonstop bleeding. I have heard varying accounts of what follows afterwards and the level of activity that can be tolerated. I am going to be optimistic and bring all of my bikinis and nothing else.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

There Will be Blood

After years of trying to cultivate an earth-mother appreciation for my monthly cycle, (it mirrors the phases of the moon; it is food that will one day nourish my baby), I am back to despising it like a pre-op tranny. (So I am not even sure what that means and if pre-op trannies have a period or if they despise them, but it feels like the right metaphor at the moment.) I didn't have as much hope this month so it has been easier. Last month I was so certain that at one point, as I was walking to work, I caught myself fantasizing about announcing my pregnancy to people. Lost in the thought, I had this silly grin on my face. When I realized what I was doing, I wanted to slap the smile off for allowing myself get so hopeful. I should know better.

I have to decide today whether or not I want to do another cycle of IUI. After two failed attempts, I am feeling very ambivalent. There is a part of me that hates to waste a month not trying, but I have a strong sense that I will just be wasting my time (and money and sanity) with another IUI. I want to try something different and am regretting postponing my surgery.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Day #14, Negative #114

Today is 14 dpo. Even though I swore I wouldn't take another pregnancy test until I was at least 18 days, I went ahead and did it. I should have taken my own advice and peed on $7 - it would have been just as effective. It was the latest in a long series of negative tests stretching over several years. I should be keeping them all and then I could use them in some performance art piece, that way they wouldn't have all been a completely disappointing waste.

Further south in Mexico, things seem to be stabilizing. The NY Times reported that there is some evidence that the flu is not as bad as first expected and that suspected cases are leveling off. I also read about couples who had destination weddings planned for Mexico, so I suppose I could have bigger problems. Will we go? We are leaning towards it. I am concerned that if I get sick, I will not be able to have my surgery in June. I am still not sure if I am going to tell my Dr. that we are planning to go to Mexico. I have a feeling he will recommend we push back the surgery. I don't want to wait any longer.

I will be 34 in less than two weeks. The math is starting to get suffocating.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Unraveling Vacations

It is looking less and less likely that I am going to get my vacation. American Airlines has extended the dates on which they will refund or rebook a ticket and the guy we rented our condo from has offered to rebook us as well. I guess that is good, but the timing is not great. Late spring/ early summer vacation worked best job-wise for Matt and made sense all around with our TTC issues. I am not sure what we are going to do now. It's so ironic that we ditched Nicaragua for a "safer" choice and walked right into a WHO level 5 pandemic.

I feel whiny complaining that I can't go to Mexico when there are far greater misfortunes in the world, but the narcissist in me is really peeved.