There Will be Blood

After years of trying to cultivate an earth-mother appreciation for my monthly cycle, (it mirrors the phases of the moon; it is food that will one day nourish my baby), I am back to despising it like a pre-op tranny. (So I am not even sure what that means and if pre-op trannies have a period or if they despise them, but it feels like the right metaphor at the moment.) I didn't have as much hope this month so it has been easier. Last month I was so certain that at one point, as I was walking to work, I caught myself fantasizing about announcing my pregnancy to people. Lost in the thought, I had this silly grin on my face. When I realized what I was doing, I wanted to slap the smile off for allowing myself get so hopeful. I should know better.

I have to decide today whether or not I want to do another cycle of IUI. After two failed attempts, I am feeling very ambivalent. There is a part of me that hates to waste a month not trying, but I have a strong sense that I will just be wasting my time (and money and sanity) with another IUI. I want to try something different and am regretting postponing my surgery.

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