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I had IUI #5 and 6 this weekend. One probably never gets used to a somewhat strange man putting sperm in one's personal space, but it has gotten better. There is little hope this cycle. Even K seems to have lost faith. On Saturday, he asked me to schedule a consult with him to discuss a plan B or actually plan E since we have ran through B-D over the last 4 months of this. But really let's call it Plan IVF.

I am scheduled to meet with him at the end of July as he will be on vacation for most of the month, so it looks like we will be taking that month off. I could use the break, but I feel a little panicky. What do you mean I won't be able to see my dr for the entire month of July? I am turning into a fertility treatment addict. So to get my fix, I am scheduling a consult with another dr. If I am doing IVF, I want to be sure I am doing it right.

As if two more IUIs with poor potential wasn't stressful enough, my mother (who of late has been trying to get me to pray to Our Lady of Diminished Ovarian Reserves) asked me on Sunday if I had a psychological block that was preventing me from becoming pregnant. I have heard a lot of zany things from well-meaning, yet clueless people, but that one is really special. As if I really had the mind control to put my reproductive system in stasis. Then she started trying to one-up me in the infertility department, but as my sister knows, I always win. Apparently she tried for 5 years to get pregnant with me and my sister even though we are only 3 yrs and 9 mos younger than my brother. She was also 27, already had one kid, and had a husband that was only home about 15 days a month. So she couldn't have been trying that hard. And why is this a contest anyway? I haven't been very open with her about this because she either tries to find blame for it or solve it. Neither is helpful. I just want to sympathetic ear. Instead I get that I don't trust God's plan; I waited too long; and best I have shut down my ovarian production through sheer force of will.

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