Now is it time to panic?

After waiting nearly two hours, we finally had our consultation with K. Matt and I had spent a great deal of time discussing our thoughts on IVF and concerns and questions we had for the dr. Matt wanted to make sure he sold us on the practice because he is leaning towards Cornell (I was too until we got there and then started to feel unreasonably loyal - I mean he has seen my vagina more than any other man besides my husband not to mention, he was great during the entire surgery process). Anyway, we discussed the process and Matt asks him why we should do IVF there. I knew it was going to be awkward but I had no idea that it would be so awkward. K hesitantly launched into their statistics and reputation for taking hard cases. Then he said we should stay because he liked us. He likes us. While that may have made me feel warm and fuzzy, I am not interested in hanging out with him. I want a baby, and you liking me is not going to get me one. This is a man who has Yale, Harvard and NYU degrees on his wall, and all he could come up with is he like us? In his defense, he said he is not a salesman and not good at giving the sales pitch, and Matt didn't exactly do a great job with framing the question.

So we are moving on to IVF. I feel like we are toying too much with nature. I know I can do the injections (and there are much more this time) and I can do a few weeks of early morning monitoring and put up with the headaches and bloating. I just don't know if I can take another negative.

I am reminded of that time my sister and I missed our train to Munich which caused us to be hours late in meeting our mom at the airport. The entire trip we knew we were going to be late, but we kept telling ourselves, "don't panic; don't cry; we will work it out." When we finally got to Munich, mom had already left the airport. Tobie and I looked at each other and said. "Ok, now it's time to panic."

My panic has been escalating these last 6 months as my hope has been diminishing. I was hoping I would be pg, so I wouldn't have to keep my RE appt, then hoping I would be pg, so I wouldn't have to do IUI, then hoping I wouldn't have to do the surgery and then hoping to avoid IVF. But I have had to do each one. I don't want to know what it is like to go through a miscarriage, but I am afraid that is going to be part of this process too.

Comments

  1. ImjustagirlJuly 23, 2009 at 8:15 AM

    Hi, I just read your post and wanted to let you know I completly understand your panic. I have been dealing with IF for about 4 years I have switched RE's 3 times and now I am looking at Cornell as well as a few other clinics that are supposed to be the best. Unfortunately for me I live in Florida and all the "good" Dr. practice else where. I always think I'll be pg before the next step but so far we have come up empty. I also fear taking such a huge step and coming up with a BFN. I am not sure what I would do anyhow just wanted to let you know you are not alone and this road can be very tough!!

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